Don’t Try This At Home – A Horrible Warning

I am a person who tries things. So, I at least know as much as an infant. You just have to try things. Sometimes they make you burp, poop or cry. Sometimes they make you laugh. At some point, though, we consider ourselves adults who have pretty good handle on what we (and others) ought to like or dislike, without having to try them first hand. I seem to utterly lack this ability.

I am an individual who has tried some things that people with more sense have warned me against; I am probably not a good example of anything aside from a stubborn smartass. My current theory is that being a stubborn smartass is at best a very long, winding road to achieving all your hopes and dreams. I suspect that some of my peers have found their path to self-fulfillment to be shorter and more enjoyable by being generally more sensible and affable. 

“If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.”

~ His Burial Too (c) Catherine Aird 1973

I have tried being sensible and affable, but it is terribly boring and emotionally draining. Despite my best efforts, I’ve found myself doing exactly the things that people have warned me against, such as: advertising for roommates on Craigslist, telling my boss what I actually think, moving overseas where I have no friends or family, working from home and eating black pudding. I can only theorize that the reason the universe has allowed me to continue on this path is so that I can warn others. 

So if you, too, are inclined to ignore advice, get easily bored, or perhaps you are my mother, wanting proof that I’m still alive after having missed our last three Skype calls, keep reading. I’ll keep the warnings coming.

In your best interest,

A Mock run Amok

Advertisements

Spring in Fairyland

The climate is gentler in the northwest of Britain than it is in the Midwest of the US. Since it’s Spring, which is a mythical season where I’m from, it seems like I’m living in a fairyland.

In fairyland, the blades of grass are thin and delicate. It’s as if nature had golf courses in mind when she created grass in the UK.

The grass used in many lawns is Fescue. It’s cultivated by fairies.

It is soft – not like the thick blades of grass I’m used to. As my husband put it,

“If you sit down for a picnic, that grass will stab you, steal your kidney and nic your wallet.”

Kiss your watch goodbye if you sit on kentucky bluegrass; watch your kidneys if you sit on crabgrass.

In fairyland, a daffodil can be in bloom for 8 weeks. They grow in yards, ditches, sidewalks, and in the medians. It’s ridiculous.

Here

Here

there

there

random everywheres!

random everywheres!

In fairyland, the Eency Weensy spider (presumably Isty Bitsy’s British cousin) actually gets a chance to climb up the waterspout a second time, because it’s actually possible for the sun to come dry up rain that fell that very morning. Incredible! More proof that this is a fairytale land where the impossible happens daily!

 

 

Spring – The Myth, the Legend – Part Meh

I always sensed that “suddenly” and “out of nowhere” were in the true nature of the word “spring”. Allow me to illustrate, with words.

Spring (on): v. to surprise someone suddenly, such as “We’re enjoying dinner, then she sprung it on me that she was pregnant.”

Spring (up): v. to suddenly appear, as in “When it rains, worms just spring up onto the sidewalk out of nowhere.”

Springtime in the Midwest:

Some Sunday in March or April or sometimes May: After 5+ months of being indoors due to cold weather, Adults want to murder their children, and vice versa.

Monday: FLASH FLOODS! It’s above freezing and the sun is out. The snow melts into puddles on the frozen ground.

Tuesday: Where the water receded, there is only MUD in its place. Every child under 12 looks like the Swamp Thing.

Wednesday: The whole town looks like a monster truck arena. Mudballs 5 feet high on the sides of buildings and splashed on every car.  The town crawls with swamp monsters.  

Thursday: Plants attack! Weeds get a jump on reclaiming their turf. Evidence of sudden allergy attacks can be found among the weedy mud piles.

Friday: Gentler plants, such as daffodils and tulips, begin to sprout, having noticed that it’s been above freezing for a whole 4 days. People dig lighter clothes out of bags and boxes for weekend wear.

Saturday & Sunday: Freezing rain, more mud. Adults sadly put their lighter clothes back in the closet. Teen girls insist on going out dressed like summer tourist clowns.

Monday: Craigslist is inundated with ads of snowblowers for sale. Every child “forgets” their gloves, hat, coat and shoes at school.

Tuesday: Sun and warmth! The daffodils and tulips have bloomed! Anyone with sense skips school and/or work. Those who attempt to fill their obligations get nothing done because everyone spends the day looking out the window.

Wednsday: Craigslist is inundated with people looking for lawnmowers on the cheap. Kids go out to play and trample anything resembling landscaping.

Thursday: Freezing temperatures. Almost all children have picked up some germs as a result of the temperature swings, but no one will realize this for another two days.

Friday: Freezing rain collects into rainwater lakes on top of frozen mud. A ridiculous number of cars make their way into ditches for seemingly no reason other than – it rained?

Saturday & Sunday: Warm and Sunny! Most the children are sick – the rest go to play in the springtime mudworld. Adults realize the lawnmower they got was a piece of junk.

 

Thus goes a typical Spring. The March-April-May pictures in the botanical garden’s wall calendar is obviously from some foreign fairyland – it has nothing to do with the cruel joke that Mother Nature makes of this season in the Midwest.

Tomorrow, we’ll explore the fairyland notion of Spring.

Word a Week Photo Challenge – Sign

I was running down the street the other day, although no one was chasing me.

Which may seem odd to many people…

odder still was this sign.

20140411-090447.jpg

Perhaps I should have started running faster, instead of stopping to take a picture. It’s possible I risked my life for this photo.

Inspiration for this post is from some enigmatic sign-makers in Sefton County, and A Word In Your Ear’s Word A Week Photograph Challenge, whose topic this week was SIGNS.